My Son Died Yesterday

Have you ever stopped to wonder just how close  - just how many seconds away - you or a loved one are from total and complete disaster? 

Specifically, I am talking about the disaster of death. The death of a loved one, a child, or even yourself? How often do you think about how different your world would be without that child or loved one? 


Perhaps I am strange because I think about these things often. Perhaps it's because I think I shouldn't be here and am very lucky to be here - I should be dead. I think this way because of past experiences and I often wonder what my purpose in life is.


I probably think about life and death more often than would be considered "healthy."


This might sound morbid, but I have a point to make to you, so bear with me: Have you ever stopped to appreciate how many times during the day that you or your child are just inches or seconds away from death? Really! Have you ever stopped to consider that accidents might be occurring all around us? The near miss, the "almosts" the "very lucky" near escapes? Some of these "missed" accidents should have happened but, by some miracle, large or small, didn't? 

I do think about these things a lot. In fact, I did just yesterday and I certainly didn't want to, nor did I expect to. I thought about it as we were having fun...


Yesterday, I saw my child's death not ten meters (yards) right in front of my face and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop it. He was dead on the spot. A truck hit him from behind and dragged his body 25 meters down the road under the tires...


Well, that's what could have happened. That's what did happen, excepting, by some twist of fate, by the grace of god, the truck was seconds past us and hurtling down the street. That's what I saw happening in my mind...


It was an ordinary Monday afternoon. We had just came home from school and my son wanted to ride his bike down to the river. He rarely rides his bike and I want him to enjoy sports and the outdoors more so I always encourage him to walk more and ride his bike more.

Yesterday was very close to being the last day we ever did this

Right now, though, it's the middle of winter here in Japan, and quite cold, so it seems strange that my son wants to suddenly ride his bike all the time. But, I didn't want to deny his wishes especially when I can't get him to ride enough.


We came home from school and bundled up in warm clothes and he put on his bicycle helmet and off we went. We usually ride down to Tamagawa river through a wonderful park trail that we call "the magic trail." We call it that because I haven't bothered to find out what the real name of the trail and park are.


It was a fun ride down to the end of the trail down by the river.


We headed back towards home. On the way back, we have to cross a busy street named "Tsutsumi Dori." This is a street that is cursed with quite heavy traffic. The speed limit is 40 kilometers per hour (about 24 mph) but, as drivers are wont to do, most people drive 50 to 60 kilometers per hour (between 30 ~ 40 mph). This doesn't sound too fast but trust me, in Japan roads are very narrow, and when a 8 ton truck rumbles by you not one meter (3 feet) from your head, you can feel their force and power. The trucks are there because there is a cement factory up the road so these large cement mixer trucks are often barrelling up the street to load up on cement there. 


It is a busy street and dangerous.


It is dangerous enough that there is a crosswalk, not far from the magic trail, that we use to cross that street. Seriously, folks I am one to not usually wait for green lights at crosswalks, but this street is so narrow, and the cars are going so fast, and there are so many side street tributaries that anyone really has to be careful when crossing this street. I always use the crosswalk to cross this particular street.


Usually, it's not the car that you see that is dangerous, it's the ones you don't see that are dangerous.

A rare photo of Tsutsumi Dori when there are no cars on it. Anyway, from this photo you can see that this is a narrow street and if a child jumps out onto it, and you are doing 40 mph, you can't stop in time.

I was walking behind my son as we were on the return trip. We had just come out of the magic trail and onto the side of Tsutsumi Dori. That's when it happened; not 80 meters (yards) before the red light that marks the crosswalk, my son on his small bike, abruptly made a very sharp right turn and started crossing the busy street! I couldn't believe my eyes.


My world stopped and began turning in slow motion. He entered the busy road without even a glance to his right rear where cars would be coming up, at great speeds, right behind him. Within a eighth of a second, he was 1/2 way into the lane. Even if a vehicle had seen him enter the lane, he did it so suddenly that they could have never stopped in time. I expected to hear screeching tires....


The sounds blurred. The seconds were going by as if they were minutes. I wanted to shout "Stop!" but I couldn't, he was already in the lane. I thought, "He's dead!" In slow motion, I looked behind me to my right, where I expected to see a truck or car slamming on their brakes... Never in time to stop... It would be impossible to stop.


That's when I saw what should have happened. The truck hitting my son from behind and hurtling him dozens of meters in the air and under the wheels of an oncoming vehicle... His life and the crying of my wife and her parents flashed in front of my eyes... The guilt... My fault.... 


But....... thank god....... there wasn't any vehicle there. The lane was clear.


As my son was nearing the middle line dividing the lanes... I looked towards the oncoming traffic lane and there was a motorcycle coming up at high speeds but the driver of the bike saw my son from a distance and slowed down.


I screamed!


.........


After the motorcycle passed, immediately, as fast as I could, I crossed the street and quite angrily began berating my son for crossing the street without even looking for cars... I was shouting at him furiously! He knew I was very angry and began crying. 


He crossed busy street on his bicycle without even looking! I was so angry that I could feel that I was losing control of myself. I wanted to slap him in the face but I only whacked him on the back - he was wearing a heavy jacket so it was light - but when I kicked him in the ass (literally) and kicked him pretty hard, he was bawling. I am ashamed to say that it was the third time in his life that I have ever spanked or struck him.

Japanese cement truck. See the narrow space on the right. Imagine this: The truck is doing 40. A kid abruptly turns a hard right a few feet in front of this truck. Is the truck going to be able to stop?

Last night, I was drained. I realized just how close I was to having my life turned upside down. I realized just how close I was to losing one of the big motivations and purposes in my life. I'm sure that, if he had been hit by a car, he'd have died or been permanently scarred or crippled for life.


How many seconds did we miss that one by? Two? Three?


If that had happened, I probably would have drank heavily last night and been totally useless for the next six months. I'd probably lose my job and want to kill myself. And all for what? Because of an accident that could have been avoided and because of carelessness.


Oh how close these things happen to all of us and our children everyday. I think we must all appreciate that fact. We must be thankful for the truly wonderful things we have.


This morning, I had a nice talk with my son. I told him that "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I think he definitely understands just how lucky he was yesterday. 


I certainly do.


There are two morals to today's story. First: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I feel my son was given a chance (me too). Actually that's the second time something like that happened to him. The first time was when he was 4 or so, and, suddenly, without any warning, he dashed out and ran onto a busy road. I was furious then too and spanked him.


We cannot hold our children on leashes or in chains all their lives. We cannot be sure what fate awaits us or them. All we can know is that today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Let us all live for today and appreciate the things we have.


The second moral is this: Driver's remember that there are children around like my child, who, for some completely unexplained reason, will do things like jump out into traffic. If you hit one of these children, your life and the life of your family life could be ruined. 


Remember that speed limits are not targets. Slow down and drive carefully. 


If you have the time, do yourself a favor and watch this short video:

What is Your Purpose?

"What is the mission of this company?" That was the question that I was supposed to answer.


I was to give a short speech to some investors who were thinking about investing $1 million (USD) into my small start-up company. One million dollars is not a lot of money as far as investments into start ups goes, but in this economy, and especially for me and my partners, it was the difference between life and death for our fledgling company.

DOROTHY LOVE COATES - STANDING ON THE ROCK

One of my partners kept insisting that I say something like, "We intend to become to biggest, most profitable company in the niche within 3 years..." and padding that with a bunch of fancy words to make it sound better. Those words were "money," "gains," etc... He kept saying that these investors were not interested in philosophy. He said they were only interested in the bottom line.


I strongly disagreed. Basically what he wanted to say was, "We want to make money. Lots of it. Money. Money. Money. We own you!"

Sure, that might actually be what everyone is thinking, and it might actually be the real purpose, but it doesn't make a very good publicly stated mission. It doesn't look good on paper or on advertising. They might want to make lots of money but they definitely want to look good doing it and look like they are doing something for the betterment of society.


Here is the mission statement of a very famous oil company: "At the heart of the (company name) way is our Vision to be the global energy company most admired for its people, partnership and performance." Get that? "People, partnership, performance"! Compare that with my friend's idea that basically translates into, "We want your money!"


Not a good comparison.


A mission statement for a company or your personal goals is a very important thing and one needs to consider deeply what the stated mission is.


My oldest daughter is a jazz singer. She sings traditional jazz. Her company figures than since CD and record sales have dropped off the map, they can still sell albums if they take a young, pretty girl and have her sing standards. Stuff like "Take the 'A' Train" or "All that Jazz." She has been performing at dinner shows around Japan to audiences that comprise people old enough to be her parents or grandparents.


Why not? These are the only people who have any money these days and they are still the people who will buy CDs.


But, even with extensive touring and a successful track record at that, her CD debut has been delayed now for over a year. The delays had to do with her attitude.


She has had a serious problem with her motivations and her intentions. One day, the president of her company told her that he had met a girl who'd been singing at public parks. Though she wasn't nearly as talented, what she lacked in talent, she more than made up for in enthusiasm. He told my daughter,


"That girl said she didn't care about anything but music. She just wanted to sing. She'd sing anywhere just as long as people could hear her voice. You have to be like that!"


I asked my daughter what she said to him about that and she said that she didn't reply at all. I asked her why and she said,


"Because daddy, I don't want to sing at parks! I want to sing and make lots of money!"


"Foolish girl!" I cried. "Haven't I taught you anything? You shouldn't think that way. Ever! You should realize that you have a gift from god and that god didn't give you this gift so that you can merely fatten your bankbook!" 


I went on and explained to her why this kind of thinking is doomed to failure. It is exactly as my friend above thinks. These people who are supporting you with money may want to do so in order to make money, but they want a better, more magnanimous excuse for what they do.... Just doing what they (you) do for money? That's no good. You must state a higher purpose! You must do what you do for a higher love!


I told my daughter to think deeply about why she has a gift and what the purpose of music is. I told her to go back and tell her boss that her purpose of singing is something like this;


"Life is short and life is difficult. So may people have a hard life and so many people are unhappy. I want to sing so that if I can make them forget their problems and become happy, if only for even a few minutes, then that's what I want to do... God gave me this gift and I want to use it to make people lives better... If only for one minute or two...."


I told her to consider this deeply everyday and to change this into her own words and her mission in life. I told her to write it down everyday. I told her that if this wasn't to be her mission then she should stop singing right now and go get a regular job if all she wanted to do was make money.

L to R: Julie, Sheena, some dude

She realized where she'd been selfish and had been on the wrong path. I think, later, she began to cry. 


A few days passed and, after careful consideration, she told her boss what her mission was. He was quite happy, from what I understand, and has now decided to use his connections and resources release her debut album.


Will she succeed or fail? I don't know. But I can tell you that if her mission were, "I want to sell lots of records and make lots of money!" then that wouldn't capture the imagination of her backers nor would it have inspired them to finance this project. This project would have failed for certain.


Everyone, from the backers to the promoters to the people who stock the store shelves, they all must be motivated that this is an artist who is doing what she is doing for a higher purpose. That is a formula for success.


For my own experience with my financial backers, I ignored my partners advice of saying that "We want to dominate the world and make lots of money! and I said to them,


"The purpose of our company is to help people live better lives and to help them to better themselves and their personal businesses. This year has seen some difficult times for Japan. We want to help the people of this country to overcome, to be more prosperous and society as a whole to become more positive and forward looking. If we can help people to achieve their dreams and become what they really want to become and to have our company become synonymous with that, then we will be hugely successful. If we can help people to capture their dreams and be more prosperous and happy, then our profits will surely come. That is our mission."


The investors all looked at me and smiled. Five of the eight gentlemen, watching my short speech, lightly clapped for me when I was done....


Four weeks later, we had the money in our bank account and the company was on its way. I was fortunate that my short speech captured their imaginations.


Always remember that what you do is for a larger and bigger purpose. If you can make people happy and satisfied with what you do, then you will be successful. Always remember that.


Placing profits before people is a bad combination and an extremely bad public image. Don't do it.


You have a higher purpose in life.  


For Julie Rogers, Tosh and Alistair